Tough Mudder…..

So…..it happened folks, there I was, kneeled down  on one knobbly knee reciting the rules and regulations of how the organiser will take no such part in my untimely death had I decided to fall off that 10ft wall or drown in those muddy trenches. Oh yes, washing their hands of any liabilities while I got knee deep in sh*te. I don’t blame them, for deadly this course was indeed! Let me tell you why:

Let’s start with the weather conditions. It just so happens we were blessed with sunshine but cursed with the 30 heat it brought with it. When you hear people screeching through megaphones “if you have to quit, quit!” You know it must be BOILING!! Anyway, undeterred by the ‘egg-frying-on-rock’ temperatures I tied my shoe laces up that little bit tighter and set off.

Obstacle 1: Stick Your F*cking Face In Shite

Picture barbed wire knee high, picture manure knee high. Now army crawl through that sh*t like your insignificant life depended on it  for a full minute. I can definitely say that the event lived up to its name from the get go.

~ ~~jog jog jog about half a mile ~~~

Obstacle 2: Time To Get Winded

As if scaling a 10ft wall wasn’t challenging enough, let’s add a God almighty slant to that wall. So the it’s  basically falling forward toward you at an angle. This means the wall’s big long ledge is now at a decent head-banging angle. If, like me, you tried to take a run and jump at the thing you were in for a treat. Let’s not forget I’m 5 ft 6 inches/ 167.64 cm, so I’m certainly not going to hurdle this. Learning this the hard way I take a massive lunge toward the forbidden wall of terror with the premise of  basically scalping myself, retreating back concussed I ask for a foot up over. Only to be dropped mid lift and crush my lungs against the ledge. By this stage I started to truly understand why the organisers take no responsibility for injuries sustained to the competitors!.

~ ~~jog jog jog about half a mile ~~~

Obstacle 3: Hay Bale Hurdle

One of the more forgiving obstacles and one of which I could infact hurdle over.  3 hay bales, jump over. Bish bash bosh. You’re done. NEXT!

~ ~~jog jog jog about half a mile ~~~

Obstacle 4: Piggy Back Ride / Fireman’s Lift

Yes. Finally some respite, some unfortunate fool’s gonna carry me 50 metres. *collar bones cave in. My sister just mounts me like a mutt in season as I’m forced to walk bow legged for what feels like as far as the eye can see.  You can tell this was one of my favourites, right?

~ ~~jog jog jog about half a mile ~~~

Obstacle 5: Slippery Slope

A curved 10 metre wall you had to run up and if you were lucky at the top you were greeted by an equally sweaty hand, if unlucky you braced for the burns you’d endure over 80% of your fragile body as you skid back down awkwardly to face the run up all over again.

This obstacle relied heavily on human kindness. So the fact that I fell down the slope more times than I’d like to admit should really set off alarm bells in all of our compassionate minds, no? Just kidding, kindness does exist, I got yanked up the slope like a ragdoll in 5 seconds flat.

~ ~~jog jog jog about half a mile ~~~

*By this stage of the fun I could feel a slipped disc and some facial 3rd degree burns setting in. At this point, I had continuously soaked myself with so many cups of water around the course, so much so that I had managed to wash off all of my sunscreen from parts of my body I needed it the most to parts where I need it the least – my eyes!

Obstacle 6: Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Anyone with phobias, you’re truly spoilt for choice with this one, confined spaces and murky water marry together to give you the experience of a lifetime. Crawling on your stomach through ice cold muddy water with the only thing in front being someone’s hairy ass, and only view behind was your very own. Why did I pay for this torture!

And while I let this thought marinade in my mind, I think it’s a good stage to have a little pause.

Have a read tomorrow for a run down on the obstacles which blessed the  second half of the course, there’s a few cheeky ones in there believe me. My fingers are tired typing so see ya then!

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